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| Groping in subway considered acceptable as long as you're wearing mittens |
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| Area hospitals treating thousands of cases of middle-finger hypothermia |
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| Flashers open raincoats exposing mock turtleneck sweaters from J. Crew |
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| Hillary Clinton just announced she is running for U.S. Senator from Hawaii in 2004 |
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| To stay warm, Mayor Giuliani climbed into bed with his wife and his girlfriend |
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| People have stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes |
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| People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up |
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| The squirrels in Central Park have ice on their nuts |
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| Empire State Building is noticeably shorter |
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| Whatever the hell's on top of Donald Trump's head just migrated south |
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